Miss Nice Girl
I know you used to genuinely believe that you were “just being nice” when you compromised your boundaries. You were raised to be a “good girl/boy”. You wanted your parents to love you and accept you for YOU. Ah but sadly they were not shown this growing up and so you learned how to model the behaviour of a good person. You learned very quickly what was approved of and what certainly was not. This was compounded often in schools.
Fast forward to adulthood.
Good for you! You're everyone’s best friend. Everyone’s go to person for a friendly ear. Your colleagues at work know they can count on you. Your family know you're always there.
Are you though? Let’s look at what this really means
Everyone’s best friend? Showing so many sides to your personality you don’t know who you are any more?
Everyones friendly ear? The person they can dump all their stuff onto?
Your colleagues can count on you? To never say no?
Your family knows you're always there? You don’t communicate when YOU need help.
Well I didn't see that coming
Being nice when it comes from a place of trying to please others comes at a really deep cost in ways we don’t often even see.
You may worry about money, that there is never enough. And so you take what you can get. You don’t ask for a pay rise because you don’t really believe you deserve it. You are used to investing in other people,but not yourself.
You have grown used to showing certain sides of yourself to your friends. The good listener, the life of the party, the one to a have bitch and moan with. Your friendships remain shallow and you find that your time and energy are spent on the other person and their problems and their life and there is no give and take in the relationship.
You may attract relationships where you are totally focused on each other and dependent on each other. Or you may attract the opposite – in your bid to not seem needy, you avoid communicating your needs and you attract an avoidant type who likes a lot of independence and you end up in a constant cycle of feeling rejected. I've played both roles and seen both roles in my previous relationships!
It's not sustainable to keep going like that. Inevitably it will take its toll on some aspect of your health. I consider I got off lightly with *JUST constant small illnesses and burn out patterns. It could have been much worse and it may be for you. We can very easily become resentful when we chronically over please and this can start to chip away at us. Anxiety can become worse with each year if we don’t start to create change.
It's time to clean up the habit
I remember how much joy I derived from making others happy. It was so easy just to go along—until it wasn’t. When I had given and given to everyone but myself, soon, all I had left was the pride of being a “kind person” and the close companion of exhaustion. Pleasing at the expense of ourselves isn’t sustainable.
People-pleasing is a behavioural addiction so it can feel like a challenge to change and stick with those changes. But if I can do it, so can you. And it is totally worth it. You will finally get to be yourself, be with those who appreciate you for you, shine your light brightly in the world, have healthy relationships and satisfying work. And you won’t feel empty anymore,you will have an unshakable core of love for the relationship that never ends – the one with yourself.
If you need help with this I have dedicated the whole month of November in The Alignment Academy to Boundaries. How to make them and how to keep them.
If you haven't heard about The Alignment Academy yet, It's my online training portal that you can join at any time and it a self paced learning evironment to achieve the healing you desire in your life. If you are interested in joining click here or if you would like more information send me a message here